I think I have a problem. I noticed that I’m so hard on myself. Why is it that when I work, I give too much? I work too hard? I strive too far? I expect too high? I gain so little? Until now I feel that if I stay up late at night, I’m productive. However, I noticed that the later I spend my nights, the less productive I am the next day. I spend a good 2 hours worth of napping on my desk and I work so slow in checking papers. What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel that I need to prove something?
This is kind of thinking is really not doing me any good. Somehow, I feel that I’m lagging behind in terms of achievement. I feel that I should be at this particular level but I’m not. And it frustrates me that I seem to be taking it really slow. I also feel that I’m not accepting compliments free heartedly. Whenever someone compliments me, I usually shun it away and not let it get to my head. Even if this is an attitude that should be applied if you want to be humble, it also shouldn’t hurt much if someone gives it to you freely. It should also be a good thing that I receive compliments every now and then. In fact, isn’t that what this whole race is all about–receiving compliments?
Right now my body’s burnt out and I’m already getting sick. I couldn’t continue working because my body was just collapsing. Now I’m home early in order to recuperate.
As of now, I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself. I’m still making sense of it all. I don’t know why I want to be successful in such a short period of time. I don’t know why I want to become a good, epic teacher right away. I feel so “behind schedule” for some reason.
Maybe I’m just tired.
Maybe I should just sleep.